Tropical Pizza "to go!" - Editorial

Recently on holiday in far north Queensland for a significant family event, I was presented with less than I bargained for...

When men get together for very impromptu gatherings involving distilled malted barley and fine Cuban Cigars they can be forgiven for ignoring sustenance. Assuming the collective mood was that this single malt and spicy smoke will get me through - No? I am often of the same opinion, enthusiasm is a very persuasive emotion. But on this occasion someones conscience got involved and rightly ordered some pizza's to make sure that a level of decorum was maintained on that evening and perhaps into the wee smalls. I was given the seeming simple task of perambulating to the condominium gate to collect the 4 large pizza's for the jovial mass. As I walked the paving through the copy, paste architecture of the resort I wondered will 4 large pizza's be enough, as I know that I myself can oft inhale half a large pizza by myself if the goings good. I imagine myself chomping hard on a 12" LP to remember the size of the international standard of "Large Pizza". I arrive at the entrance to the very secure resort and I am greeted by the headlights of the stereotypical pizza vehicle - small, near scrapyard condition, but this time with a middle aged female as its pilot. I realised later they sent a female to help diffuse a potential situation. In my best QLD drawl I say "G'day, What's the damage?" How right I was. That'll be $82 thanks". I think I responded with something witty like "Strewth! -What are they gold plated?" She did not answer, or I did not hear her response. I was then removing the cash from my surprisingly well stocked wallet (holiday wallet mode), thinking of all the fantastic flavour combinations that could adorn these beauties. Was it going to be Gorgonzola, Rocket, Potato and Rosemary or Smoked Ham, Avocado, Sun dried Tomato and port caramelized onions? Maybe they had Italian sausage here in Far North Queensland, ooh this will be good.

I grab the receipt just for proof I did pay, and didn't threaten her imaginary poodle with imminent death for those pizza's. I try and sneak a peek to make sure these pizza's are gilded or at least silver plated, her headlights dip as she reverses and sputters away down the hill and I can only make out a crispy crust -Good signs!

I clear some space and manoeuvre the lids to reveal all 4 pizza's. A truly amazing phenomena has occurred on the short walk from the front gate to the table, the gilded pizza's with unique and epicurean toppings have been replaced by some act of David Copperfield with processed ham, cheese, pineapple and a hand full of machine pitted "jar" olives. My disappointment is unable to be withheld for the greater good of the evening. Little does the assemble group of testosterone know that I am hyper critical of all food - especially when you pay a premium. I figure my ensuing outburst must be akin to road rage when I have been unfairly cut off and made to look red faced! I demand satisfaction, but from who, where? What just happened??

Is our distance from a capital city determine a higher price of usually economical purchases? Or are we blessed in our home capital cities for a reasonable price for fantastic pizzas?

I winged and I wined without support or confirmation from anyone who had ever experienced any clear discrepancy in pricing. Note: Queensland is an obscenely big state - long, in particular! If you haven't driven it you'll not know that when you get to Brisbane you're just half way to Cairns!! Despite it's size they have a great transport infrastructure and until recently have had subsidised petrol, for all those itchingly parochial Jo' B'Petersen fans out there! And for interest you can get fresh muffin dough delivered to your Cafe Kitchen doorstep in Cairns, made in Brisbane before it thaws. Tremendous! All for the measly fee of around $3 (cost) dollars a Muffin.

With the prevalence of Italian cuisine / cooking all over the world there should be, for the sake of the rest of the world some sort of "Polizia Nationale" sharply & smartly dressed Polizia seeking out poorly made and poorly priced Italian food. Perhaps a proper punishment would be public disgrace (with rotten 'glasshouse' tomatoes) thrown t'ward the stocks! I was clearly outnumbered in the consideration of the delivery, I was remunerated moderately, and I struggled to finish a slice when I realised there was undercooked onion hidden beneath the insulating doona of cheese! (This reminds me of 'Russells' - Too much onion!)

Are people naturally less critical in awkward social situations - such as male dominated situations? I have experienced these situations where men will press on through apparently happy with mediocrity when others in less oppressive circumstances would protest!

I need to know I am not alone, tell me I am not alone! Male's, whatever form should have some sort of critical review or spine to say "No!" this is not good enough. And as a footnote to that last statement the critical review of any food is not proportional to my opinion of present company at said 'Male Gathering' or the skills of the host....

There I said it! Balls out truth!

Giles