Scary Spice Writer.

I had been thinking about writing a long winded piece about: Our food leaders' severe lack of etiquette: The grotty and dirty habits of TV Chefs that rate so highly. I think of all those moments I have licked a spoon, dipped a finger or wiped when I should blown (my nose) and I think ‘well – maybe it’s not such a good idea, I’m no angel.’

Maybe I should focus on the camera and the directors controlling them, who can amplify any idiosyncrasy and turn it into psychological disorder worthy of a leafy metropolitan suburb institution! The pointy bit of my argument was going to be "George’ous" Calombaris of Masterchef and Ready, Steady, Cook fame, his poor cutlery handling has turned me off his general TV presence. I do not blame him, I blame the machine that made him into the crispy denim (G) star that he has become. He is amongst brutish company: the swear bear Ramsay, Oliver who can barely string two real words together (made up ones don't count!) and least of all Granger, that scary stylised smile scares the bejesus out of me! The point of my rambling discussion could have been that these men are probably all right blokes. Real down to earth types – you could have beer and a laugh about something.... The real measure of a star is the way they work a crowd especially when they are at Food Shows held in packed out auditoriums making crude remarks about our Tracy or using stupid words like jubbly! There’s Granger on the side of stage just smiling, not at you but through you into your very soul! Calomabaris, the feisty little Greek man is also guilty of auditorium antics – along with his grinning sidekick. You Tube it and see them piss farting around for yourself.
My essay would have been quite substantial with significant reference to the rising molecular food movement (amazing bullshit) or moralistic gestures to ‘slow food’ stalwarts like M. Beer. Truthfully I have neither the patience nor the skill to surmise why these highly skilled culinary entrepreneurs are the way they are. They appear to be arse monkeys, who make me sick with jealousy over the passion, drive and focus they have to their work!
Don’t your cheeks hurt Bill?

Giles